Distractions to calm her mind before she fell. Quick seating of nervous smiles and excited eyes. A quivering cheek of comfort. Tea talk and shop closings. The invitation of many. A ride of similarities and laughter. Dine and amuse. Jokes of yet to form. An opening of the door. Wanting more. Touch of direction to the waist. The mind stored away in a special place. The night of a beginning. The first of many firsts to come.
"The ache from trying not to go to the bathroom on the stairs, as that would only start another screaming match. Sit and wait, mind starts to go blank. Nimble little hands start to fiddle trying to distract themselves. Just bite your tongue, no use in starting another loud frenzy. The yelling and chaos start to dwindle and as they do thoughts start to reappear. Never remember opening the door, nor it being opened by someone else, just that everyone acted like nothing happened."
Talking to him was like chatting with a childhood best friend who knows all your secrets . Meeting him was like finding that stuffed animal you thought you lost. Being with him was like getting lost but it's the same type of lost that is exactly like being found. Kissing him was like the rush of going up in ferris wheel cart. Falling for him was nothing like falling, more like walking into a house and realizing you're home.
"Putting on a sweatshirt I carefully creep across the creaky wooden boards trying not to wake anyone. The carpeted stairs too sing to me as I make my way down. Immediately hit by the wonderful smell of fatty bacon and sweet blueberry pancakes; my grandfather, walking around the kitchen, whistles to the tune of folk music softly playing whilst sipping black coffee."
Finding a love that can instantly make you smile. When you used to just want someone to last longer than a week and occasionally kiss you on the cheek. But now, now you have so much more. You now have a patient listener who wants to know all your random, quirky thoughts. Someone that can make you smile as you are stubbornly attempting not to smirk. Someone who accepts all your imperfections but still thinks you are perfect. Someone who can scramble your train of thought just by complimenting you. A love that causes you to blush with a soft kiss to your hand. Being incredibly grateful everyday you at the chance to meet. They are the only person you truly feel safe and comfortable with. Having someone to make faces at knowing they will respond with an equally if not more bizarre expression. A buddy to have a late-night chocolate pretzel feast with. You now not only have found a love but one of your best friends.
"Implying, that I wasn’t already in the first place. When that's all I had been doing. Especially trying to show that I appreciate him but that I don’t need him. Not wanting to feel trapped by a man. But it wasn’t good enough. I am immediately sent back 4 years ago to a couch. Amongst profanities, screams told me I was a nuisance, nothing and useless. The flashback of this is overwhelming me and I begin to feel tears rushing to my eyes. But I don’t cry."
"The first to go, my voice and brain. I continue to trace his hands, occasionally flipping them slowly over and over again as if searching for something. He’s incredibly gentle and kind with me, paying attention to my every movement and signal I send. His eyes, the blue eyes, that intoxicated me earlier, softly now look back at me with warmth, as they see I am finally returning the gaze a smile begins to grow on his face."
Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go