I don't like to drink. Simple and easy right? Even in writing that I was almost going to change “don’t” with “prefer” to appeal more to the masses but realized it wasn’t true to what I am saying. I don’t prefer not to drink, I don’t want to drink, and to be honest I never really wanted to. So now I shall fully explain, I grew up in a family where drinking wasn’t really a thing. My mom would have a glass of wine at dinner but that was about it. So when I got to college I was in for a rude awakening. With my upbringing and the fact that I disliked the taste of alcohol I was kind of an outsider. When I say disliked I mean get queezy at the smell of it and this was without any form of a blackout that involved me coming-to puking my brains out. So as I went through my college years I became aware to the fact that I had a sticker on my head saying “party-pooper”, which at the time pissed me off. I didn’t understand it, I CAN BE FUN WITHOUT ALCOHOL. I should also mention that by that point I had been living a healthy lifestyle of being active and eating as whole and clean as possible for a couple years and loved it. This then added to the frustration in college because I just wanted to be accepted and normal and I already wasn’t feeling that with what I was eating....never mind how I also didn’t want to part take in the drinking scene.
Lots of people tried to coax me out and told me I was “no fun”. It then became clear to me that being fun = drinking. Now if you think this is where the story takes a turn and I tell you about my wild drinking escapades then I am sad to inform you that you’re wrong...I am more stubborn than I want to admit 💁🏻🙈
I feel like at this time I should preface that I did have a drink every now and again but 99.9% of the time it was for other people so that I didn't commit social suicide. I know that sounds quite dramatic.... but since I am being completely honest here, a big part of not wanting to drink was based out of fear. I didn’t want to lose control. I was afraid I would wind up being one of those girls in the paper that went missing after a night out or that I would end up in some random persons apartment stranded. I was always very protective of myself and didn’t want to fall prey to something that could potentially put me in harms way.
In addition to this that whole healthy lifestyle thing I mentioned earlier, that was another big reason behind why I didn’t want to drink. Not only did I feel like I was trying to recover for an entire week after the fact and only at the end of the week would I begin to feel normal only to then ruin it on a Friday night out. But the whole reason I started eating healthy was to help out my complexion and knew that alcohol would wreak havoc on my hormones which would only making things worse. So again, I steered clear of it.
Then I fell in love..... and what wasn’t too much of an issue before became a bit of one. He came from a family opposite of mine that loved to have some drinks and let loose. Which! Side note: I do just want to say I have nothing against others drinking. I don’t care if you want to have ten drinks sitting next to me, go ahead, knock yourself out. I just don’t want to be made to feel pathetic for not doing so or that I am somehow less than. End side note: I began writing this to talk about the way people who don’t drink are portrayed.... prudes, no fun, someone who has no friends but then realized it was so much more than that....
So I fell in love with Mr. tall dark and handsome and felt like I had to start. “Come on Soph don’t lose this guy” I would say to myself, thinking that the only way for me to be loved by him was if I drank. He would innocently tell me I was more silly and fun when I drank and so wanting to be those things for him I would push myself more than I want to admit. Until one day it all came crashing down. The drinking on his end came to a halt and so did mine. Since he no longer drank as often as he once did, I thought I was off the hook. Until I was bombarded with the judgement that came in my early college life I had once forgotten “what are you pregnant?”, “come on you’re no fun!”, “lighten up would ya?” I would always try to contort myself to give some sort of witty, I don’t give a f%*! remark back, but that’s not what I was truly feeling.
So I got to thinking and then thought some more and some more after that (as my lovely brain loves to do) why is it so wrong for me to not drink? If you offered a cup of tea to someone and they declined would you immediately freak out on them and start questioning their motive not to take a sip? No. But tea does the same thing for me as what alcohol does for someone else, it’s relaxing. It takes the edge off of things. But you would never hear someone freaking out at another person for not enjoying a cup of tea with them.
I guess the whole reasoning behind this post is to just be aware of what you're saying. It isn't to make anyone who drinks or wants to drink feel badly and then have people who don't drink be the winners in life. If I did that I would be doing exactly what I am trying to bring attention to. Just to be conscious of how you react to others. Now I shied away from writing this for a while (seriously...... this has been in my draft folder for about two months now) simply due to the fact of not wanting to be judged more. That I would be perceived as some sort of sensitive sally that "couldn't take a joke" for putting this out there or that I would be seen as more of a prude than I already was. But then I realized that fear was whole reason I wrote this was in the first place.... maybe there is a very good reason behind what others are doing and why they do/don't it, you have no clue. What someone else wants or doesn't want to do has nothing to do with you. Their life is their life just as much as yours is your own. Nobody wants to be told what to do or made to feel inadequate for doing/not doing such. Overall, I just wanted to provide a different perspective to the situation. I want to hang out with people and enjoy my time, but how I do so is up to me just like how you do so is up to you. Nobody is better than the other, we are all equal. So long story short, be aware of what you say and as the childhood saying goes "do on to other as you would want done to you".
When it comes to relationships where do you draw the line of where you start and they end? Or do you have to? The jury is out on this one. Some say to always keep yourself and never allow anyone to take that from you. Others say to lean into love, to trust, to fall head over heels, to become one.... this of course with the right person. But even then, how do you know? How do you know that if you fall head over heels for them that they then won't make your trust waiver later in life? Or what about daily life? Are you supposed to only listen to yourself or trust their advice as well? And if we do, do we have to take it word for word? Making a big decision alone can sometimes feel wishy washy, having their opinion added to the mix can help or hinder. Some say their coming from an outside source. That they can see your life in full perspective without the clouded thoughts. Do you fall into and trust them then? Trust what they are saying and essentially give a big decision over to your lover to make? I mean by this point your mind is so cloudy you aren't sure you could find yourself in it anyway. In a world of definites, do we ever have a concrete answer when it comes to love?
Our minds are powerful. They can create sicknesses, panic attacks and the love of your life appear out of nowhere. I know this. But when I started having these panic attacks I didn’t now why. I was confused, scared and frustrated. My anxiety had progressively gotten worse and worse over the years but I never had an attack until recently. Feeling like someone was sitting on my chest and that my heart was about to jump out of my body it was beating so fast. I was in fight or flight sitting in a chair perfectly safe. This has occurred multiple other times since the first occurrence. But I was done. I was tired of feeling this way. I love where I am in my life but my brain was making me believe I wasn’t. That I was inadequate at work, not learning or doing things fast enough. Comparison can be a killer. But I wasn’t seeing it that way. I was trying to do, be and appear perfect in EVERY thing I was doing. I was trying to morph my everyday into where I thought I "should" be at this time in my life. I was trying to prevent and escape the uncomfortable. I didn’t bask in the fact that I had this incredible new opportunity, living in an apartment downtown, with an amazing boyfriend, new car, and healthy body. Instead I compared myself to others and told myself I wasn’t performing enough in all aspects. I took something that was stated in a conversation as a challenge that I had to beat. That I had to be, do and perform in this manner or there really was no point. Yet I was missing the whole point, I obviously was enough simply due to the fact that I am who I am. This isn't meant to sound like an ego boost, it is just true. This is the case for everyone, you are enough simply because you are you. Comparison was slowly but surely taking over my mind which then in turn took over my body. Causing me to feel like an elephant was sitting on my chest over some story I made up about myself. All of it was fake. A made up mind game that I started to play.
In being who I am, I listen to lots of different spiritual gurus and speakers, in addition to some astrological readings and the other day I noticed a thought. During one of these monthly readings it was mentioned that " This is going to be an amazing month!". As this woman said this with excitement and a smile I immediately caught myself rolling my eyes and thinking " you say that about every month". As if every month can't be amazing. As if every moment can't be amazing. Here I am wanting to live an incredibly joyful life but still have limiting beliefs that every moment can't be joyful. Waiting for a shoe to drop, yet expecting miracles. Quite contradicting thoughts, don't you think? Becoming more open and aware isn't about being perfect, it is about noticing your imperfections and choosing to love yourself anyway.
Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go