Misread lips and dewy eyes stare at yours. Lying next to one another, our hands tucked between our heads and pillows. I could stare at you all day. Laugh lines from a different time, extend from the corners of your blues. I try to breathe deep, to take you in. Even in this moment. Even in this confusion. You are it. My love for you was a seed planted long ago. Not easily destroyed, or found below. It is something indescribable, something that baffles me. Even through the heartache, sleepless nights and scorched memories, you could never be my misery. You are my home, the person who helped me find me, my gentle giant, my light in the dark. I could never find another that would light a fire inside my heart as you have done. Out of all the choices I have ever made, I will never doubt you are the right one.
I recently found myself saying things like "they were the one I would go to in this moment and now I can't" "they were my comfort" or "they loved me like nobody else". But in all of this, I was never the person that was being talked about. It was always someone else. Here is someone who is always preaching about self love, yet still fumbling to practice it themselves. And that is okay. But it is going to change. You no longer have to look outside of yourself for that love and comfort. It needs to start from within. No body, or being, can offer you a love greater than you can to yourself. I know this is tough to think about, especially when there are those relationships that can bring tears of joy to your eyes just by simply thinking about their smile. Now I am not saying relationships with others aren't worth it or important, because they are! Cherish the ones you love outside of you. But, your relationship with yourself should have just as high of a precedent as these others do. Yes, you will have strong bonds unlike anything you have ever experienced with others, but that doesn't mean you can leave yourself in the dust. And that is what we are doing when we claim we have lost that with someone else. We leave ourselves behind. As if the comfort and love we could provide isn't enough. Or worthy. You are the person you have always needed. Be there for yourself. And if you cant do that, be the person your younger self would have needed. Learn that your body is your only true home. That you are all you truly have forever and always. Never let that go.
When it comes to leaning on someone why do some continue to prop their own heads up? Not fully trusting of that person or people in general. This complicated unveiling that we don't quite understand. Not realizing that we are holding back until after it happens. That moment when it clicks, and you ask yourself "why hadn't I opened up about that sooner? Sometimes our subconscious mind likes to keep a secret of the people its trusts and with what information. But why don't we try to stop this? Beat it to the punch and let everyone see us for who we truly are? Because it is scary as hell. Showing someone you don't actually have you shit together or that it wasn't together in the first place. Giving up the facade that you aren't a little ray of sunshine day after day. You have your dark moments and that is okay. What matters is that we strengthen these bonds. In times of wanting to be secluded and alone, reach out. Ask your friend for advice or vent to your significant other. Do whatever it takes to feel that weight lift. They will thank you, as you thank them. Being able to acknowledge you aren't perfect, but that you are perfectly fine with it is a strength. Be real. Be you. Be human. You are worthy of other others time.
Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go