For someone being well versed in the saying “thoughts become things” I was happy to preach it but blind to it for myself. I realized that I have created a blockage through words I have said. As much as this is cringe-worthy to me now, I used to take pride in saying “I don’t trust people easily”. Which now I realize is where my perfectionism began. I would be so happy to let others know that I didn’t trust them because in my mind at the time the more broken I was the more I received love, or so I thought. It was an attention getter that eventually turned into a habit of mine that led to anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns because in the end the person I trusted the least was myself. I would double and triple check my work, not let others help me even if I was drowning and freak out for not knowing something I hadn’t yet learned in the workplace or my own life. I became my own worst enemy, attacking myself for not doing and being better despite doing the best that I could. I realize now that all along it wasn’t about not trusting others it was about not being able to trust myself. Not trusting that I was making the right decisions and feeling like I wasn't on the right path. And even if I am not (which is kind of impossible because we will wind up where we need to be one way or the other) at least trusting that my current decision is correct. I have been freaking out over not having a “set plan” for my life due to little faith in myself. "I" don’t need to “figure” everything out, I need to instead chill the F out and trust myself and the process of life. I am learning new lessons and growing into how I can best receive love from myself and others and that is all a girl could ask for right? I am now trusting in myself that it is.
I most long for a life of contentment and happiness. One without fear. One where my heart sings every day I wake and feels full by the time I sleep. I wish to live a life where I have an internal beaming smile that travels out externally, a ray of light and love. Where I can connect with others. Where happiness and self acceptance coexist. Where I can feel totally secure in my way of being. Where I can love my life apologetically. Where I can be spontaneous and yet enjoy each moment. Where I can have a job that doesn’t feel like work but rather an extension of myself. Where I can be so attuned to my inner being and higher calling that I am at one with the Universe. Where I am free. Where I am deeply loved and where I love deeply.
In the spiritual world when we are working on ourselves so much and realize that we can no longer blame others and that our emotional behaviors are due to our selves and the stories we have created. If this is the case do relationships have any meaning anymore? Can we ever complain to others? Not that this is something of great nature but are we no longer allowed to ask anything from our spouses/lovers? Giving compliments goes out the window because we are supposed to “compliment ourselves”. Telling them we need more reassurance is like hosing off when rain is pouring down on you. Pointless. Because we are supposed to be all of these things for ourselves. Right? If we are the ones that are supposed to supply ourselves with the stars and moon do we then begin to lose the power of a relationship?
Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go