I was going to write a whole blog post about jealousy and grappling with it for years. Being brutally honest, the hurt, the shame the guilt. I used to blame jealousy on others, feeling so incredibly consumed with rage and anger. Until I realized it actually had nothing to do with anyone else, it is all about the abundance (or lack of) that I am showing myself. It became a pattern of sorts. One where I would see someone that I thought was attractive or looked like they had their life together or wore an incredible outfit (those last two are essentially one in the same...) and then rather than do what I truly needed in that moment I would compare. And so then I would begin to feel badly upon myself in relation to them, mind you this is all subconscious.....which would then bring anger or sadness or insecurity to the party and then I would look to others to soothe that self-doubt. THAT'S IT! That is all it was. The crumbling and the heart ache and feeling like something overtook me and gobbled up any sense of my sanity all stemmed back to not being there for myself and loving who I am. This in turn created a story that someone else would do the same and abandonment became a fear bigger than me. Until I concluded it's not me at all. In fact nothing is me. Rather I am a space that this emotion is showing up in.
'A snow covered parking lot, a white car and two hearts. One overhead light casts shadows on our faces. Yours, handsomely chiseled with soft eyes. Mine, scared but too stubborn to show it. Then you said it. The acknowledgment my ego needed yet the invitation to release. To let the guards go home for the night and be there with you. Just us two. "I know you are good at being independent but I need you to need me" It all clicked. The countless books read, videos watched and wishful longing. The relationship I had always dreamt about sat staring back at me with eyes almost as crisp as the night."
Wanting to honor anger without letting it take over. How do we do it? After all the majority of the time anger is just sadness’s body guard, right? So is it more advantageous to express sadness rather than anger? Or is that another way of pushing it down? How do we know if we are honoring or hiding? Can you ever do one without fully letting go of the other?
"Dressed to the nines, excitement surrounds. Clicking heels and long lines...they wait. He looks over and brushes his hand against hers. A touch of the slightest nature and a smirk cause for a frenzy in her mind, Then he said it. A thought of their future together. Something she has thought over and over many a times, creating lists and images in her head. But nothing resulting to the excitement she will now no longer be able to put to bed."
Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go