"Blankly I stare at the wall, my mom gently sweeps the blush tipped brush across my cheekbones. I trace the crisp white crown molding with my eyes, a stark difference from the egg yolk paint blanketing all four walls. I don’t remember talking yet I remember her talking to me, though I don’t know what she was saying. Like one of those movies where the person is just watches what is happening yet their hearing has gone out. Almost the Charley Brown effect, a faint change in sound waves bouncing in my ears but no words actually stick and stay. It’s like my mind was revolting against everything in my life. So I sat and blankly stared at the wall as she talked to me with fear in her eyes. I think she was trying to make me look a bit more alive. Help my confidence, wake me up. But I continued to stare, blankly. I was hitting rock bottom before the age of thirteen."
That night never seems to lose its magic. Clumsy feet and blushing cheeks as I stumble into my seat. Genuine laughs and sideways dimples. Fries for dinner and water in tiny glasses. Conversation fogging up windows as we drive, rolling them down and my hair comes alive. Adventuring down back roads, foreign, at least to me. Faking confidence with clammy hands. Pit stops to places now filled with memories. Then it finally came. The moment. Parked back outside the restaurant, we continue to talk. Making future plans, when will I see you again? Resting your arm on the center console you lean in. Admiring your clear blue eyes now an inch from mine. "Just do it!" A innocent smirk creeps upon your face "do what?". Staring for a moment longer, you retreat, turning your back to me. Grabbing a hold of the passenger side door, faking it, leaving me wanting more. I stare in surprise watching wide eyed as you flip back around. Gently grabbing my cheek. Finally. Kissing me. Feeling your smile against mine every inch of my body comes alive. I have never been the same since that night.
I had a routine before bed, wash my face, drop the shades, turn out the lights and lock the door. Every night. Knowing he wouldn't wake, taking safety into my own hands. Not depending on anyone. My edge. My pride. Four walls made of steel. But an edge can be smoothed over. Like the ocean softening a piece of glass, wearing away damage once done. Now sitting scared, salt water marks stream down my cheeks. Angry and pissed off, feeling what I had avoided all those years is finally here. The fear of becoming dependent on another. It was never difficult to avoid until that November. I was now mad at you..... but really I was mad at myself, for allowing me to let go to you. This frustration stemming from my own ego, I used to be so incredibly independent and now I feel like soft, almost weak. But sometimes loving and depending on another is not weak. You don't have to always be strong. In fact it is stronger to trust and let go than it is to hold on. Now with barely having an outline of where those four walls once stood. I let go. My edge. My pride. Is no longer a part of me.
Two words often seen as one yet the difference is unmistakable. Fragility is fear. It is the hope you won't get hurt, yet there isn't anything there if you fall. Little twigs left vulnerable to natural forces. Easily breakable. Rather the outside controls the in. Ready to crumble at any moment. Being sensitive is offering the underside of your arm. Exposed but still in control. Strength through your vulnerability. A choice to let others in and be receptive to possible pain. No fear exists, you chose this. Embracing the gentle side.
Relationships can bring out the best and the worst in people. Full of emotion yet nobody wants to get hurt. They uncover characteristics about yourself you didn’t know existed. A trapped little girl afraid to show her feelings. An insecure boy always told he was never enough. You uncover the ways in which your mind works and how your partners may differ. Figuring out those differences and holding love as the center point. These findings may be scary, having a loving and respectful partner helps. Someone who knows you better than you know yourself. It can be hard but it will be one of the most amazing and rewarding things you ever accomplish in this world. To love someone with no boundaries or limits, you strengthen your relationship through the unearthing of these insecurities. But ultimately, if you’re in a healthy partnership, your relationship with yourself strengthens as well. You learn to love and appreciate yourself for who you are in the uncovering of your quirks. Keep going, you are wonderful and have worth. You are trying your best, and that is all anyone could ask for.
Yes, I need reassurance. And no that does not make me needy. The crazy, silly, beyond recognizable reassurance, that you will stay. That everything is okay. Tell me about the future, our life together. Fantasize with me about dogs, houses and cars. Tell me of all the places we will travel. Don't stop. Don't be stubborn and say "we will see", or "it isn't real". For I never needed the promise I just needed the daydream.
Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go