"Just like the warmth of hot coco trailing down your throat. Or your favorite part of a song due to one note. The fuzzy feeling of a pets paw against your finger. Or a summers night where chamomile lingers. I need you because you’re my best friend, teammate and lover. I need you because I could never imagine another."
"I need your silly side. Whenever you laugh time slows. Your nose gently wrinkles as seconds turn to minutes. Eyes twinkling, glimpses of golden catch light beneath crisp blue. Playful smiles widen. A chuckle escapes. Looking at me, giggling, watching this sight to see. Still in disbelief, that you chose me. Minutes would begin to slip back into seconds, as I gasp for air. "
I was going to write a post about how I want to lighten up a bit more in my posts. Feeling almost like I am this huge burden to everyone for bringing in these ideas that aren’t rainbows and sunshine all the time. What many of you probably don’t know is that I am a very fun loving person and am super silly and sarcastic... which is why I began this blog in the first place. It was (and still is) my outlet. To release the thoughts that run around my brain that aren’t exactly part of this “persona” of who I am or want to be. However I decided against writing this guilty/self deprecating post for two reasons. One, I am realizing that even though a lot of my posts can be more serious…that is okay. It is okay to have a serious side! I don’t have to be goofy and laughing every second of every day, nor do I want to be that way. I want to be well rounded, knowing when to crack a joke, when to hold someone’s (or my own) hand in solace and when to smile as big as the sun. THATS who I want to be. So who cares if this blog is only a portion of my life? I bring in the happy in talking about love and life as well. I know I am whole in a completely different way.
Then I came across this post on Pinterest and just like a perfect puzzle piece it put into words exactly how I was feeling:
“The ocean does not apologize for it depths and the mountains do not seek forgiveness for the space they take, and so neither shall you”
It has been really hitting me lately how much I apologize for things. ESPECIALLY taking up space or feeling like I am in some way a burden with my emotions. Then I started to notice the commentary in my head….“Sophia nobody wants to hear about all your feelings”, “nobody cares” or “you’re too much”. Feeling that I was too different in the emotions I feel or that I felt too much. "Sophia the average person doesn't (or appears not to) give two seconds to the things that ruminate in your head get over it"! Then I came across this quote and for just one sentence it packs a punch. I need to stop being my own worst enemy and making myself feel horrible for being human because like it or not I am one. We all have emotions, changes of heart, regrets and days we are too sensitive we feel we may break. We are human. Love that.
I was going to write a whole blog post about jealousy and grappling with it for years. Being brutally honest, the hurt, the shame the guilt. I used to blame jealousy on others, feeling so incredibly consumed with rage and anger. Until I realized it actually had nothing to do with anyone else, it is all about the abundance (or lack of) that I am showing myself. It became a pattern of sorts. One where I would see someone that I thought was attractive or looked like they had their life together or wore an incredible outfit (those last two are essentially one in the same...) and then rather than do what I truly needed in that moment I would compare. And so then I would begin to feel badly upon myself in relation to them, mind you this is all subconscious.....which would then bring anger or sadness or insecurity to the party and then I would look to others to soothe that self-doubt. THAT'S IT! That is all it was. The crumbling and the heart ache and feeling like something overtook me and gobbled up any sense of my sanity all stemmed back to not being there for myself and loving who I am. This in turn created a story that someone else would do the same and abandonment became a fear bigger than me. Until I concluded it's not me at all. In fact nothing is me. Rather I am a space that this emotion is showing up in.
'A snow covered parking lot, a white car and two hearts. One overhead light casts shadows on our faces. Yours, handsomely chiseled with soft eyes. Mine, scared but too stubborn to show it. Then you said it. The acknowledgment my ego needed yet the invitation to release. To let the guards go home for the night and be there with you. Just us two. "I know you are good at being independent but I need you to need me" It all clicked. The countless books read, videos watched and wishful longing. The relationship I had always dreamt about sat staring back at me with eyes almost as crisp as the night."
Wanting to honor anger without letting it take over. How do we do it? After all the majority of the time anger is just sadness’s body guard, right? So is it more advantageous to express sadness rather than anger? Or is that another way of pushing it down? How do we know if we are honoring or hiding? Can you ever do one without fully letting go of the other?
"Dressed to the nines, excitement surrounds. Clicking heels and long lines...they wait. He looks over and brushes his hand against hers. A touch of the slightest nature and a smirk cause for a frenzy in her mind, Then he said it. A thought of their future together. Something she has thought over and over many a times, creating lists and images in her head. But nothing resulting to the excitement she will now no longer be able to put to bed."
I used to think that fairy tales and love were all there was to life. But my idea of a fairy tale was the picture perfect image you see in movies. The ideological romantic scene where the guy shows up with flowers on the first date, where he becomes so infatuated within a week that he knows she is the the one, where he buys her gifts “just cause”, where he opens every door she walks through. What I didn’t realize was that there was so much more to life than THAT version of love. I thought those movies were the epitome of romance. Dripping with smirks, sappy one-liners and hand holding. Now I do still love myself a good romantic movie, however now I feel like it is an extension rather than the whole version of the mini movie I have been living in since 2015. One where the main characters fight, cry, laugh, disagree, smile and kiss all in one breath. I have become in love instead with this new idea of romance. It is not what you see in movies... or at least not completely. It is an intertwining of trials and enchantment. Real romance is different to everyone, like a snowflake, each version has it's own beauty. To me it is looking into the others eyes with sorrow and seeing their comfort. It is still reaching out during an argument to hold their hand because it isn't you against them but rather the both of you against the problem. It is never leaving the house without a kiss. It is never ending a phone call without saying I love you or going to sleep angry. It is looking at them as they dance around and find yourself smiling because you realize you've never loved somebody so much. It is having frightening conversations and loving them even more after. It is disagreeing but also respecting their point of view. It is asking each other about their day and truly listening. It is getting excited about their new opportunity or offer as if it were your own. It is making the bed because you know they love it and you don't mind doing it. It is looking at every time you leave the house with them as a new adventure you're embarking on. It is giving space when it is needed and knowing when not to leave their side. It is looking at them and not being able to imagine a more perfect person. It is realizing their imperfections make them perfect to you. Fairy tales aren’t always what we think they are, they are a glimpse, a skimming of the surface to what true love is. Romance now has a new meaning, it is the happy, sad and in-between tears. It is never letting go of the others hand. It is year after year choosing them because you couldn't imagine a day, life, moment without them, the messy, silly, serious and happy.
For someone being well versed in the saying “thoughts become things” I was happy to preach it but blind to it for myself. I realized that I have created a blockage through words I have said. As much as this is cringe-worthy to me now, I used to take pride in saying “I don’t trust people easily”. Which now I realize is where my perfectionism began. I would be so happy to let others know that I didn’t trust them because in my mind at the time the more broken I was the more I received love, or so I thought. It was an attention getter that eventually turned into a habit of mine that led to anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns because in the end the person I trusted the least was myself. I would double and triple check my work, not let others help me even if I was drowning and freak out for not knowing something I hadn’t yet learned in the workplace or my own life. I became my own worst enemy, attacking myself for not doing and being better despite doing the best that I could. I realize now that all along it wasn’t about not trusting others it was about not being able to trust myself. Not trusting that I was making the right decisions and feeling like I wasn't on the right path. And even if I am not (which is kind of impossible because we will wind up where we need to be one way or the other) at least trusting that my current decision is correct. I have been freaking out over not having a “set plan” for my life due to little faith in myself. "I" don’t need to “figure” everything out, I need to instead chill the F out and trust myself and the process of life. I am learning new lessons and growing into how I can best receive love from myself and others and that is all a girl could ask for right? I am now trusting in myself that it is.
I most long for a life of contentment and happiness. One without fear. One where my heart sings every day I wake and feels full by the time I sleep. I wish to live a life where I have an internal beaming smile that travels out externally, a ray of light and love. Where I can connect with others. Where happiness and self acceptance coexist. Where I can feel totally secure in my way of being. Where I can love my life apologetically. Where I can be spontaneous and yet enjoy each moment. Where I can have a job that doesn’t feel like work but rather an extension of myself. Where I can be so attuned to my inner being and higher calling that I am at one with the Universe. Where I am free. Where I am deeply loved and where I love deeply.
Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go